HEAVY BOOTS HEAVIER BOOTS Twelve weekends later was the first performance of Hamlet, although it was actually an abbreviated modern version, because the real Hamlet is too long and confusing, and most of the kids in my class have ADD.

« HEAVIER BOOTS Twelve weekends laterwasthefirst performance of Hamlet, although itwas actually anabbreviated modernversion, because thereal Hamlet is too long andconfusing, andmost ofthe kids inmy class have ADD.

Forexample, thefamous "To beornot tobe" speech, whichIknow about fromthe Collected Shakespeare set Grandma boughtme,was cutdown so that itwas just, "Tobeornot tobe, that's thequestion." Everyone hadtohave apart, butthere weren't enoughrealparts, andIdidn't gotothe auditions becausemyboots were too heavy togo toschool thatday, soIgot the part ofYorick.

Atfirst that made meself-conscious.

Isuggested toMrs. Rigley thatmaybe Icould justplay tambourine inthe orchestra orsomething.

Shesaid, "There isno orchestra." Isaid, "Still." Shetold me,"It'll beterrific.

You'llwearallblack, andthemakeup crewwillpaint yourhands andneck black, and the costume crewwillcreate somesortofapapier-mache skullforyou towear overyour head.

It'llreally givetheillusion that youdon't haveabody." Ithought aboutthatforaminute, andthen Itold hermybetter idea."What I'lldo is,I'll invent aninvisibility suitthat hasacamera onmy back thattakes video ofeverything behindmeand plays iton aplasma screen thatI'llwear onmy front, which willcover everything exceptmyface.

It'lllook likeI'mnot there atall." Shesaid, "Nifty." Isaid, "ButisYorick evenapart?" Shewhispered intomyear, "Ifanything, I'mafraid you'llstealtheshow." ThenI was excited tobe Yorick. Opening nightwaspretty great.Wehad afog machine, sothe cemetery wasjustlikeacemetery inamovie.

"Alas,poor Yorick!" JimmySnyder said,holding myface, "Iknew him,Horatio." Ididn't haveaplasma screen, because thecostumes budget wasn'tbigenough, butfrom underneath theskull Icould lookaround without anyonenoticing.

Isaw lotsof people Iknew, whichmademefeel special.

MomandRon andGrandma werethere, obviously.

Toothpaste wasthere with Mr.and Mrs.

Hamilton, whichwasnice, andMr.and Mrs.

Minch werethere, too,because TheMinch was Guildenstern.

Alot ofthe Blacks thatIhad met inthose twelve weekends werethere.

Abewasthere.

AdaandAgnes were there.

(Theywereactually sittingnexttoeach other, although theydidn't realize it.)Isaw Albert andAlice andAllen and Arnold andBarbara andBarry.

Theymust havebeen halftheaudience.

Butwhat wasweird wasthat they didn't know what theyhadincommon, whichwaskind oflike how Ididn't knowwhatthethumbtack, thebent spoon, thesquare of aluminum foil,andallthose otherthings Idug upinCentral Parkhadtodo with each other. I was incredibly nervous,butImaintained myconfidence, andIwas extremely subtle.Iknow, because therewasa standing ovation,whichmademefeel likeone hundred dollars. The second performance wasalso pretty great.Momwasthere, butRon hadtowork late.That wasOK,though, because I didn't wanthimthere anyway.

Grandma wasthere, obviously.

Ididn't seeany ofthe Blacks, butIknew thatmost people go toonly oneshow unless they're yourparents, soIdidn't feeltoobad about that.Itried togive anextraspecial performance, andIthink Idid.

"Alas, poorYorick.

Iknew him,Horatio; areally funny andexcellent guy.Iused toride on his back allthe time, andnow, it'ssoawful tothink about!" Only Grandma camethenext night.

Momhadalate meeting becauseoneofher cases wasabout togo totrial, andI didn't askwhere Ronwasbecause Iwas embarrassed, andIdidn't wanthimthere anyway.

AsIwas standing asstill asI could, withJimmy Snyder's handunder mychin, Iwondered, What's thepoint ofgiving anextremely subtleperformance if basically noone iswatching? Grandma didn'tcomebackstage tosay hibefore theperformance thenext night, orbye after, butIsaw that shewas there.

Through theeye sockets Icould seeherstanding inthe back ofthe gym, underneath thebasketball hoop.Her makeup wasabsorbing thelighting inafascinating way,which madeherlook almost ultraviolet.

"Alas,poorYorick." Iwas as still asIcould be,and thewhole timeIwas thinking, What trialismore important thanthegreatest playinhistory? The next performance wasonly Grandma again.Shecried atall the wrong timesandcracked upatall the wrong times. She applauded whentheaudience foundoutthenews thatOphelia drowned, whichissupposed tobe bad news, andshe booed whenHamlet scoredhisfirst point inthe duel against Laertes atthe end, which isgood, forobvious reasons. "This iswhere hislips were thatIused tokiss alot.

Where areyour jokes now,yourgames, yoursongs?" Backstage, beforeclosing night,Jimmy Snyder imitated Grandma tothe rest ofthe cast andcrew.

Iguess Ihadn't realized how loud shewas.

Ihad gotten soangry atmyself fornoticing her,butIwas wrong, itwas herfault.

Everyone noticed. Jimmy didher exactly right—the waysheswatted herlefthand atsomething funny,likethere wasafly infront ofher face.

Theway shetilted herhead, likeshe was concentrating incrediblyhardonsomething, andhow shesneezed andtold herself, "Godblessme."Andhow shecried andsaid, "That's sad,"soeveryone couldhearit. I sat there whilehemade allthe kids crack up.Even Mrs.Rigley cracked up,and sodid her husband, whoplayed thepiano during thesetchanges.

Ididn't mention thatshewas mygrandma, andIdidn't tellhim tostop.

Outside, Iwas cracking up too.

Inside, Iwas wishing thatshewere tucked awayinaportable pocket,orthat she'd alsohadaninvisibility suit.I wished thetwo ofus could gosomewhere faraway, liketheSixth Borough. She was there againthatnight, inthe back row,although onlythefirst three rowswere taken.

Iwatched herfrom under the skull.

Shehad herhand pressed againstherultraviolet heart,andIcould hearhersaying, "That's sad.That's sosad." I thought abouttheunfinished scarf,andtherock shecarried acrossBroadway, andhow shehad lived somuch lifebut still needed imaginary friends,andtheone thousand thumbwars.. »